Sit Back

Frequently, I see people in their lives, so intent on maintaining their highest degree ideal. A perfectly clean home, straight a’s, the best clothes, the best boyfriend. Even more so, I notice these things causing stress for people — a great deal of it, too. I think people need to sit back, and realize that things will be okay. Things will work themselves out if you let them. That’s not to say you should disengage from you life, and make no effort to better things for yourself– I’m not saying that at all.

Let me clarify through example. You have a 3.8 GPA, and you’re after a 4.0 GPA to get into your ideal college. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this: you have a specific goal, and you’re actively trying to reach it. You got your most recent test back: it’s an 80% — which brings this class down to an 89% for the semester — which might bring your GPA down to 3.7 or some such figure. Rather than entering a state of panic, stop, and breathe. Think about things rationally. Fact: your test caused your GPA to drop by one tenth, when you needed it to raise 2 tenths leaving you with 3 tenths to meet your goal. Seeing as you have a high performance as a student, your teachers would be more than likely to help you boost your grade in many ways- maybe turning in homework you may have missed, redoing the test, an extra credit assignment, making corrections to your test, etc. Let’s say you have the absolute worst teacher that has almost zero compassion and won’t lend you a hand. Things are still okay. You’re alive, and breathing. Somewhere out there is some man in a prison, who would love to be in your situation. Keep things in a proportional perspective: you are still going to be okay. Your college may still accept you even with a 3.0 GPA. If they don’t, there are likely many other colleges who would. Maybe if you go to a different college, you may meet the most amazing friend you’ve ever had — and that’s something worth more than any education, gift, or material possession I’ve ever encountered.

Better yet! You’re stranded on an island. You’re starving, dehydrated, and maybe a day from death. Let’s say you die: nothing to do, no responsibilities, liabilities, and depending on who you ask, an amazing home to return to. Let’s say you don’t die: you have an amazing story to tell when you get home, you’re a stronger person, and you’ve had a new experience. You still should fight for food, and find water, but you don’t have to feel doomed. Either way, things can only get better for you, for the most part. What is never going to help you, is sitting down, realizing how easy it would be for things to go horribly wrong, and force yourself into a mindset of failure. You’re going to fail no matter what, so why bother trying? Well, if you don’t try, you definitely will fail – there’s no two ways about that. So grit your teeth, try a little harder, and smile even though it hurts.

Long story short, don’t get so caught up in the negatives that you trap yourself there. Climbing out of that rut is difficult, but staying out of it is really simple. You just have to realize that you are in control of your internal state, and that short of dying, you can always attempt to change things for the better. If you fail and die, then you’re out of your misery at least. If you succeed, your free. Whereas complaining will simply leave you to suffer indefinitely. So, sit back, relax, and live with your mistakes. They’re there, and they won’t disappear. You always have the chance to try again.

June 14th – 11:30 AM

What’s that breeze doing? Come on, I just woke up. Why is there a breeze. This is too early for a breeze to be stirring. I’m cold. I don’t want to get out of bed. Maybe if I hide in my blanket more, the breeze will go away and I can go back to sleep. I rolled up into my blanket even tighter and tried to sleep again. Then I remembered that I’m a student that goes to school. I peeled my eyes open to look at my watch and was happy to see that it was a Saturday.

Since my eyes were already burning from light, I decided that I may as well see what’s going on around the house. I looked around my room first. The window was opened, and my fan was on. My door was open, too. I think that means mom went on a cleaning spree. I silenced my breathing and tuned out the hum of the fan’s motor. I listened for footsteps and voices throughout the house. Dad is watching a game on TV. I’m not sure what mom is doing, and I think my sister is outside playing with my brother.

What time is it again? I glance at my watch again, and it’s 11:37 in the morning. I missed breakfast again. I’m not about to miss lunch too! After unwrapping my burrito blanket, I jumped out of bed and got dressed. Time to hunt for some food.

Ramen noodles make a terrific lunch, but today I’m feeling frozen pizza is the best thing to eat. After running downstairs, I got a Canadian Bacon flavored pizza from the freezer, and started the oven preheating.

While waiting for the oven to preheat, I grabbed my Gameboy. I know it’s a little outdated, but I like it. It was pretty new when I got it around 2004 or so — the classic red edition. My Pokemon Ruby version was loaded into the cartridge slot. Man, it’s been so long since I’ve touched this thing. I glance at the timer on the oven — 7 more minutes until I put the pizza in. I turn on the gameboy and enjoy the clean air breezing through the house while I wait for the intro credits to play out. Then I mash a few buttons while the oven heats up.

Come Snuggle!

Sometimes I get in these “moods” as I call them. They’re pretty innocent, really, even if they sound bad. It’s pretty much that I feel this compulsion to be really snugly with anybody and everybody within 10 feet of me. I just want a huge people pile where we’re all close and I can hug people without letting go. Sometimes if I’m really close to people while I’m in this mood, I’ll notice my mind starts telling me to hold their hand or kiss their cheek or something.

But I can’t do that! First of all, I have a girlfriend now, and I’m fairly certain she wouldn’t want me running around kissing everybody within 10 feet of me. Second of all, I’m fairly certain nobody would want to be within 100 feet of me if I started doing that. I can’t help it. I just wanna hug and not let go for some reason.

The crazy thing is, it doesn’t matter who is around me. It could be my mom, or my teacher, or my friends, or a stranger, even somebody I absolutely hate. It’s rather annoying, actually. Because then I feel even sluttier than usual.

On the other hand, I kinda secretly hope I have one of those moods when I’m around Zoe. Because of reasons.

I Can’t Sleep.

I went to the bathroom to do my nightly routine. As I was washing my face, I looked in the mirror. The circles around my eyes were getting darker still. My joints felt dry and it was all like a dream, but I knew it was real. If I were to stick my finger in the electric outlet, I would surely die. If I fell on the floor, it would surely hurt. So surely, this was not a dream despite how much I longed for it to be one. Then it occurred to me: even if this was a dream, it would rank as a terribly mundane dream. I shut off all the lights, and crawled into bed. A few minutes later, my music started playing.

I tossed, and I turned. I tried every possible position I could think of. Just as I do every night. And yet, I still could not sleep. My CD had just played its last track, and so I stood up to go push play again. I went to open the window, as I sometimes do at night, and looked for the moon. I don’t mind the cold as much, not anymore. It’s here, and then it is gone again: literally a whisper of wind. The moon, however, is always there. Sometimes the clouds try to hide it, and sometimes it’s hard to make out, but the moon rises every night. It comforts me, you know? It feels like a true light among all the darkness, where as the Sun is just another star in the sky. Shivering, I traipsed back to my bed, and curled up in my blanket.

How much longer until I can sleep again? I want to go back to my dreams, even at the risk of entering a nightmare. In my dreams atleast, I’m free to… well, dream! I could wake up in my dream home on a beach. I could listen to my music. I could lay in the warm sand, staring at the night sky until I fell asleep again. I would live in a beach area, leading a small community of close-knit people and friends. Everybody would be happy, and nobody would lie. Everyone would smile, and noone would cry. I wouldn’t feel lonely anymore. Maybe then I could look at the moon as one of many old friends, rather than one of few friends. I would wake up every morning, and watch the sunset while I make some fresh tea. I wouldn’t worry about where I’m going, or what I’m doing. I would just be happy. My dream is a happy place, and yet I can’t go there.

I wish I was happy outside of my dream, too. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t help but to feel lonely sometimes. I know I have my friends. But sometimes I just want somebody to hold my hand and hug me. Or even for a complete stranger to just smile at me. I miss my home sometimes, too. When I was home, I felt peaceful despite the wars inside me. I think that feeling is what I miss about home the most. Even though it made me vulnerable, I couldn’t hide my feelings from the people around me. Emotions came naturally to me. I guess they still do, but all the wrong ones, and in all the wrong ways. I might not show emotions all the time, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. It just hurts so much more to show them. I feel weak for having emotions. They distract me from being happy. But then, without them happiness isn’t really possible, is it? So does that mean we have to suffer to reach happiness?

I’m rambling again. I’m not making any sense at all, and this piece is going nowhere. I’m done writing for the night.:\